"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."-Nelson Mandela
It has been 6 months since I arrived back from Korea and I have yet to feel truly at home in the United States. I have realized after doing some research, reading books, and talking with others that transitioning back into life at "home" after spending time abroad is a completely different process for everyone. I know for many it only takes a few months, for some it takes a whole year, and for others it takes much longer. For me, the past 3 months have been much better than the first 3 months, but in general 6 months just hasn't been quite enough time.
The pure joy and excitement of reuniting with family and friends died very quickly when they all had to go back to work, school, and their regular day-to-day lives 2 days after my arrival. I really don't think I had an unrealistic expectation of the whole world stopping for weeks upon my arrival, but I definitely didn't expect the excitement to end so quickly. I went from feeling on top of the world to hitting rock bottom in a matter of hours. It was as if I had lost my sense of self. I didn't know who or what to identify with. I had to deal with losing my sense of vocation for the first time in my entire life. I went from having a job, a salary, feeling extremely passionate about what I was doing every day, having my own apartment, being around people constantly, not having to drive anywhere and living self-sufficiently to living a lifestyle completely opposite of that; all within just a few short days. I was unemployed, alone, living in a house with 5 other people, trapped by my nervousness to drive anywhere, and had no plan for even the near future. I lost all ambition.
I went from cooking meals at home, working out every day, attending church on Sunday, taking the time to write hand-written letters regularly, reading for pleasure, setting aside at least 3-4 hours a week to learn a new language, updating my blog, and spending a lot of time with people to sleeping all the time and sitting by myself for hours on end watching movies. I stopped doing all of the things I loved. I no longer had complete control over every aspect of my life, (no job, living with my parents, etc.) so I lost control completely. I got sucked back into my old life of living at home and letting my Mom do everything for me. Life in the United States, the life I had led for 23 years was much more foreign to me than the life I led in Korea for 1 year. Life became a chore; something I had to make myself engage in every day.
Then, at the beginning of November, I got a part time job at Bath and Body Works. It started as only a few hours a week, but for those few hours I was no longer sitting at home alone and I started to gain a little bit of structure in my life. I was meeting new people, and I started to enjoy learning something new! I had never worked a retail job before.
About one week ago, I was accepted into the Masters of Social Work program at Augsburg College in Minneapolis, Minnesota! The application process was long and treacherous. It took me over 3 months to complete applications for 3 schools. It should have taken about a month or less
considering I was only working a few hours a week. But, after countless hours of staring blankly at my computer screen and a lot of encouragement from my parents, I finished! When I received that first acceptance letter it felt like my life had a purpose for the first time in 6 months! From the day I started my undergraduate studies at Gustavus I knew I was passionate about social work. I explored other paths along the way, but I always found myself back in the same place I had started. Today, I sent my letter of acceptance to Augsburg College and I am so excited to start school again in the fall! I feel like I finally have some sort of a plan and something to look forward to; a direction. It feels really good.
I still go back and forth every day on whether or not I should defer grad school for a year and go back to Korea. I haven't been able to let go of that possibility yet, which is why I haven't been able to be fully present and happy here in the United States. As much as I feel tied to Korea and passionate about what I was doing there, I feel equally as passionate about staying in the United States. My friends and family mean everything to me, and the thought of missing monumental moments in my brothers' lives, weddings, babies, and much more, completely devastates me. Prayer has become a more powerful tool in my life than ever before, and I pray every day that I will eventually be able to let go of all of my worries and just give them to God. I know He has a plan for me. Right now I am just struggling to hold on to Korea and be fully present in the United States at the same time. Korea is not where I come from and it is not necessarily where I am going, but it is part of who I am.
However, in the midst of so many uncertainty's in my life, there are a few things I am clearly certain about: I am so blessed to be a part of a global community, to recognize our connections to people across the world and the importance of those connections, and to love and be loved by so many people across the globe! I never could have survived this journey without all of the wonderful friends and "family" I met throughout my year in Korea, and I definitely could not have survived with out the love and support from my friends and family back in the United States. I was so amazed by the willingness of my loved ones on both sides of the globe to open their hearts and minds to this adventure from the day I left for Korea until the day I set foot back on American soil. It was something I had dreamed of doing my entire life.
My Korean story is just one of my many stories, but it is one I hope to keep telling over and over again.
"You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place."-Miriam Adeney
